naamahdarling:

asundergrowth:

theatremamadionysus:

asundergrowth:

glumshoe:

oh yeah you’ve gotta put enough spices in your coffee to turn it into BONE HURTING JUICE

When I worked at Starbucks my coworkers and I had a running contest to make the grossest possible drink that, if you ordered it, we would have to actually make it for you.

One of them was:

- Double shot almond milk latte

- Six pumps of the sugar free hazlenut syrop

- coat the top foam with a full cm of cinnamon and nutmeg

- hide that under whipped cream

As the whipped cream melts into the coffee the it gains a texture kinda like spicy sand suspended in applesauce. We named it something like the CinnaFuck Surprise

“spicy sand suspended in applesauce”

I want to die just off that line alone

Every time a drink unseated the champion, it was given a name. The worst one was, by far, a drink my coworker dubbed:

The Double Endoscopy.

- Frappe cream base
- half portion of Ice
- Strawberry Concentrate
- Eight pumps of the seasonal valentines day sugarfree cherry syrup
- quadruple portion of the seasonal caramel latte rock salt, which is just rock salt
- blend on high

This drink. This vile fucking stew, remains to this day one of the worst things I have ever put inside my body.

It got the name because when you need an endoscopy, you have to take a prep medication that “cleans you out“ by basically making you shit yourself inside out for a day, and according to my coworkers, the drink we had concocted tasted like that medication, but worse.

To start, halving the ice gives it this texture like a slushie you left out in the sun. The strawberry concentrate is always watered down by about 60% when we put it in actual drinks because its incredibly strong, and is overpoweringly tart when you just drink it straight.

The thing about the cherry syrup is that its already disgusting on its own. Cherry is not something you want to mix with coffee and why the higher ups though it was a good idea is beyond me. The syrup barely even tasted like cherries. It actually tasted a lot like nyquil. But we didnt use the cherry syrup in the double endoscopy. We used the sugar free cherry syrup, which tasted like the bastard lovechild of cherry nyquil and gum that you had been chewing for an entire day. For the entire month of febuary we sold maybe a dozen of the cherry drinks, and so for the entirety of march we had these two bottles of syrup that tasted like if there was a slur for cherries.

But what really flipped this drink over the edge, and the reason why it stayed the champion at the peak of our mountain of culinary hubris, was partly because the contest ended after I got fired for giving away stale muffins for free, but was almost entirely due to the salt.

Sure, we added enough salt to make it taste like we were drinking medicinally flavored seawater mixed with fruit pulp and it burned your throat when it went down, but there was something about the combination of the salt and the frappe base that turned the sort of milkshake type texture into what I can only describe as a slurry. You almost had to hawk this drink down like t-rex swallowing something whole. This drink fought you. The saccharine sweet of the concentrate combined with the chemical menthol sugar-free cherry burned as it went down, and then it salted the wounds.

This is the most vivid passage of horror writing I have read in several years. Thank you.